What Do I Do If I'm in Love With My Best Friend?

Ask the Astro Poets is the monthly advice column by W's resident astrologers, Alex Dimitrov (Sagittarius) and Dorothea Lasky (Aries). At the halfway point of every month, they take a breather from writing poetry and horoscopes, and take your questions about love, career, even the big existential questions in life. From matchmaking and compatibility, to friendship, professional, and dating advice, the poets of the stars are here to guide you through any challenge:

Dear Astro Poets,

I’m a gay male Cancer in love with my best friend, a straight male Gemini. Our birthdays are actually really close, so we’re both cusping, but he’s definitely more of a Gemini and I’m more of a Cancer. I’m super emotional and he’s more aloof, but fun. I’m pretty sure he knows I’m in love with him but we don’t talk about it. It’s gotten to the point where I don’t know what to do. We’ve been friends for over five years and become so close, sometimes it even feels like we’re dating because we spend so much time together. Obviously, we haven’t had sex. And I feel like I’m just torturing myself the longer it goes. What should I do?

A Confused Cancer

Dear Confused Cancer,

I don’t want to admit that your story hit really close to home, but it did. This has happened to me, too, though not with a Gemini. And it’s happened to many gay guys, and probably a lot of Cancers, who become overly invested in their friends as it is. I think that over-investment is a good thing, ultimately, but not when there is unrequited desire. The fact that you’ve been able to stay friends with this Gemini for five years while wanting to fuck his brains out is incredible. You deserve an award for that alone. But you have to quit torturing yourself.

Cancers are already so good at self-torture. You process everything emotively, down to what the guy at the coffee shop said to you when handing you your coffee. You move through the world willing to do a lot of emotional labor and thinking that you need to. Here’s the thing. Are you capable of handling it all? Yes. Does that mean you should? No. That’s what’s happening here. I’m sure you could go another five years not having sex with him, or maybe forever, and withstand whatever happens to you when you see him dating other people, people you can never be (unless he magically becomes gay, which I would recommend, it’s terrific). But at what cost? Aren’t you essentially stunting your own interiority and emotional life? Shouldn’t someone meet you where you are and give you back everything you’re willing to give them? Sex is important. It’s an intimacy you shouldn’t have to give up with someone you’re in love with.

Angelina Jolie, born June 4th, photographed by Steven Klein for W Magazine.

The question becomes: Do you tell him? I think he already knows. He’s a Gemini. They’re super intuitive, but that doesn’t always come across because they can act so flippant and performatively confused. Geminis know exactly what they’re doing and what’s happening. They’re less chaotic than everyone thinks. Telling him is risky because, what do you do after? Stay friends with him? Stop being friends with him? There’s a lot of drama that can ensue.

I think you should take a break from him for a little while. Maybe don’t even say that to him, but just get a little "busy" for a few weeks and use those weeks as time to think about what you really want. I’m a fire sign. I’ve been in this situation and taken it to the max—which means actually trying to have a relationship with a straight guy. It doesn’t work. And here’s the thing: You deserve so much more. Why date a straight guy when you can date a gay guy? Honestly!

Sending a powerful Sagittarius arrow of love your way,

Watch: Celebrity Couples Who Met Long Before They Started Dating

Dear Astro Poets,

I am a Pisces sun/Scorpio moon/Leo rising. Recently, I've been dating again after a long hiatus. I met a Capricorn who I'm super swoony over. Here's the thing: They got out of a big relationship a few months ago and have made it clear that they're not ready for anything serious at the moment. I am not super good at deeply casual things and I don't like rushing into formally committed/serious relationships, but I do want a certain level of emotional intimacy. The situation is starting to stress me out as they definitely have some boundaries that I am not into. They only have time to hang out with me once every two weeks. I'm always the one to suggest we hang out and they don't seem to be into sleepovers.

I know my desire for intimacy can be a bit intense, and I'm willing to compromise on it to an extent, but this amount of distance honestly feels unmanageable for me. Will bringing this up with them freak them out and make them run away? Should I just stick it out and hope they come around by themselves to the level of intimacy that I want? Or are we just super incompatible and I should give up?

A Weepy Pisces

Dear Sweet Fish,

Thank you for your question! It’s a somewhat complicated one, which makes sense for the complexities of your two signs; however, it’s always a beautiful thing to see Earth and Water vibe on each other, and I'm happy that you're having some good experiences together (albeit with some frustrations and struggles, too).

All this to say, don’t give up! Pisces-Capricorn is an excellent match, and your Scorpio moon makes you both all the more compatible. With your almost pure water in play, you're able to empathize more fully with your Capricorn’s contradicting need for emotional intimacy and absolute freedom simultaneously (and always on their terms). You’re also able to fill in the spaces where their emotional needs are the greatest. Being a Pisces, you have this gift with anyone you date or are friends with. But with what I know of your chart, you will instinctively understand a Capricorn’s personality better than almost anyone.

Sienna Miller, December 28

Photo of Sienna Miller by Tim Walker for W Magazine.

Still, it’s good that you are thinking of your own needs; I have many Pisces friends who are so selfless in their relationships that they often forget what they want to get out of them. My advice is to definitely talk to your Capricorn about how you're feeling. There is nothing a Capricorn loves more than having an emotional conversation, especially if it’s about how much you're into them and want them around more. They thrive on constant attention. They'll likely be willing to talk to you for hours about your desire for them, hashing out all the possible permutations across several dimensions. There may be tears and there may be laughter, and I think you will have some sort of resolution. And you definitely won’t scare them away. You can never scare a Capricorn away from anything.

However, no matter what happens within the conversation and how good it might feel to have this open dialogue, just remember that your Capricorn will ultimately do what they want, when they want it. They are not shy. And they’re definitely not shy about doing whatever the hell they please whenever the hell they please (emphasis on hell intended). If you can handle a person who is the boss of just about everything, then I say keep going and see this amazing match through. To me, a Capricorn’s incessant need for dramatic power struggles sounds kind of fun right about now.

Good luck with your sexy goat!


Related: Ask the Astro Poets: Is My Crush Trying to Ghost Me?

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