It can be really painful when the spark dims or goes out in a relationship. All that chemistry and excitement that once felt effortless becomes a struggle. No one would blame you for worrying about what those changes mean for the future of your relationship, or for questioning whether it can continue at all. Here’s the good news: Just because your relationship has hit a lull, that doesn’t mean it’s a lost cause. In fact, depending on how you go about extending a relationship that’s lost its spark, you may not only get the spark back but the lessons you learn in the process can make your future prospects even brighter. That’s what Lisa Concepcion, certified dating and relationship expert and founder of LoveQuest Coaching, says. But first, you have to address the root cause of the problem, she tells Elite Daily. "It’s normal for long-term relationships to lose their spark and typically the reason for this is one word: Routine," she explains. "When couples slip into a routine, things get boring. The same two restaurants. The same Friday night of Netflix and ordering food from the same place. The sitting together in comfortable silence on the phones scrolling. This all adds up to a routine and rut and disconnection."
If this is all sounding a bit too familiar, then Nina Rubin, a life coach and psychotherapist, says not to panic. “If the spark is dim or hidden, it can definitely be reignited,” she tells Elite Daily. Here’s how the experts say to extend your relationship and recapture the spark in the process.
Talk About The Issues In Your Relationship.
When there’s a problem in your relationship, Rubin says it’s essential to begin addressing it by getting on the same page so that you can tackle the issue together. If you feel like your relationship is losing its spark, her advice is to talk about what you think is lacking. “Also discuss what drew you to each other and how you felt when the spark was fire,” says Rubin. “This will help you both know what’s at stake and remember how you want to feel.”
Break Out Of Your Routine By Setting New Goals.
Once you’re a united front, it’s time to break out of your comfort zone and get out of your rut, says Concepcion. One great way to get started is to set a goal together. “Couples who set and achieve goals individually and as a couple rarely fall into a rut or routine. They always have something they’re aiming for or curious about,” she explains. “Sit down together and have an open conversation about where you see yourselves headed in the next six months both individually and as a couple,” Concepcion advises. It doesn’t have to be a relationship goal, just something that the two of you can work toward together and get excited about. “This doesn’t have to mean a talk about marriage or babies. It can simply mean taking on a business goal, learning something new, a seminar, a vacation, getting a pet, or volunteering!”
Prioritize Being Kind And Loving To One Another.
One of the things couples can forget when they are in a comfortable routine is prioritizing one another and small acts of kindness, which is why Rubin says another great way to extend the relationship and reignite the spark is to refocus your energy on taking care of each other. “Do small things for each other, with small, personal gifts and acts of service, quality time, and even physical touch. Acknowledge each other,” explains Rubin. In other words, “value and honor each other,” she says.
Ultimately, extending your relationship is really about giving yourself time and space to reignite the spark, but it does take work and both parties need to be on board, says Concepcion. “It’s time to let go when one person simply isn’t into it. When people don’t want to grow and expand as a team, the relationship is going to fizzle out,” she says. Conversely, if both you and your partner want to really give it a shot, there’s still plenty of reason to be hopeful and hang in there.
Lisa Concepcion, certified dating and relationship expert and founder of LoveQuest Coaching
Nina Rubin, life coach and psychotherapist
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